I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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