Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
