We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
We just shotgunned beers for America
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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