Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
