I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
