OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
