I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
