I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
