The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize