I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
