forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Randomize
