I CAN MOONWALK!
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Randomize
