I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
