Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
