My friends, they love my intelligence
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
