He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
