So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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