A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize
