So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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