bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
We are two peas in an std pod
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
