I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Randomize
