I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
