Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
