Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
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You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
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Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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