You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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