That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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