good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
