I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
