he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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