A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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