I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
