I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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