I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
