If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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