ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
