u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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