I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
