Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
