Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
