what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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