I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
