You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
