Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
