You made eat vitamins until I threw up
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
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I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
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Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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