I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
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How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
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He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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