I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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