What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
