thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
