nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I will die if light touches me.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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