Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Your mouth is God's brothel.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
