I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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