Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize
