I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
