Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
