Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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