You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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