Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
