Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
