He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
