just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Randomize
