When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Please don't give away my fajitas
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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