New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
